>Imaginary Interview: Senator John McCain


Q: Senator McCain, thank-you for taking a break from your busy campaign to fly out to Accra for this interview. Let’s jump right into it: Sarah Palin. The revelation of your new running mate was timed to grab headlines from the Democrats’ Convention, wasn’t it?

McC: I know. I’m very smart. It comes with age.

Q: Is the choice a reflection of Republican panic?
McC: Panic? *Laughs* I don’t panic, son. I was a Prisoner of War. *Adopts sombre tone.* Son, this is my gift to all those women who voted for my friend, Senator Hilary Clinton. Only to be rejected and spat on by Bobama. I don’t spit on women.

Q: Well, she seems very popular amongst Republicans: a true conservative. Does Palin actually share anything in common with Hilary Clinton though?
McC: Yes.

Q: What exactly?
McC: Well, she’s a woman.

Q: That’s it?
McC: Son, I have 20:20 vision and I assure you: she’s a woman. War sharpens your vision. I was a P.O.W, you know?

Q: So her being a woman is all that Palin shares in common with Hilary.
McC: Yup. Ain’t she great? Cute too. You know she’s a former beauty queen, right? The kids will love that. I’ve been told how you Ghanaians love your beauty pageants. Shame you can’t vote in our election! *Laughs again.*

Q: Erm, yes… but back to Palin. So you don’t think female Democrats will notice that Palin – unlike Clinton – is pro-hunting, pro-guns, pro-life, under investigation and probably pro-oil?
McC: Not really. Let me give you some insight that you’ll thank me for when you’re older: women are women.

Q: Women are women?
McC: Trust me on this. Women are not men. I’ve had plenty of time to think about this.

Q: I’m not quite sure I follow…
McC: Listen to me. It’s simple. Women didn’t vote for Senator Clinton because of her policies. They voted for her because she’s a woman!

Q: Erm, isn’t that a little insulting to the female Democrats who you’re trying to attract?
McC: Now let’s get one thing straight. When I want to insult a woman, I tell her to her face. Just ask my wife, Cindy. I was in ‘nam, for goodness sake. Let me be very clear on this son: I’m a maverick. I’m cray-zay! I do whatever I want. I will do whatever America needs me to do, and if that means insulting female intelligence then that’s what I will do. This isn’t a mid-life crisis. It’s the American elections and Sarah’s my girl.

Q: Don’t you think your wife Cindy might have problems with that?
McC: Son, that was a silly question. Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

Q: I apologize. What about the inexperience that the Republicans have always levelled at Obama? Isn’t Palin even less experienced? Both nationally and internationally?
McC: Sarah’s not running for President. She’s running for Vice President.

Q: But – with you being 76 and with your recurring cancer problems – isn’t the possibility of her actually becoming President very real?
McC: So let me get this straight: you’re from Africa and you’re worried about my age? Don’t you guys worship old and dead people? Let me know, because I was thinking about getting a little shack in Gomoa Feteh when I’m done at La Casa Blanca.

Q: You’re avoiding the question…
McC: What? Are you trying to tell me something? Oh, I see it now. You want to kill me, don’t you? The Vietnamese sent you, didn’t they? You can’t kill me. Bloody Vietcong. I survived your damn torture camp, you bastards.

Q: Senator, I was merely pointing out tha…
McC: Security! This African just threatened to kill me. I think he’s Vietcong.

Q: But Senator, Vietnam isn’t even in Afric…

*Five burly security agents descend on me in slow motion from mid-air just before I wake up.*

2 thoughts on “>Imaginary Interview: Senator John McCain

  1. >Dear Mr Graham,On behalf of the State Department’s legal advisory team, I hereby serve on you the first warrant for you arrest. The charges are as follows: several counts of libel (we are still trying to add them all up – our senior DA keeps losing his train of thought at 5….. and some of the pictures look very much like McCain when he is angry, so our Second in Command, Vice Deputy District Attorney is having to leaf through some personal albums to in fact confirm or deny the further allegations); at least some counts of slander ( we are sure you have been repeating your, oh, so very funny interview on the streets of Ghana for all to hear as one of your Summer anecdotes) and some more misdemeanour type offences, which we will add on to make you look really, really evil.Oh, and yes, we have now decided to include Ghana in the Axis of Evil. Our military advisors inform us that our latest biological warfare machinery (which can be used to singe off bits) is now currently set to the coordinates of your ‘Fro. Do you wanna go Bald boy? Well, do you?PS Don’t tell you mother about this.


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