We – allegedly representing the entire body of all the people of Ghana – are choosing globally denounced intolerance and bigotry.
Over donor-funded Item 13, we have deliberated over intolerance very carefully, accepted that we have no problems with it, and decided to take it to its logical conclusions with our full national chest.
Having thus torn international chain, we propose the following:
- We are pulling out of all the international human rights conventions that we signed up to when we lacked the aforementioned chest. Because – let’s be honest – we actually don’t have any problems at all with discrimination. We pride ourselves on it daily if we are being completely honest. Which we are now. With our chest.
- Let it be known that we have zero problems whatsoever with adultery/cheating or any of the other things possibly described in scripture as ‘sexual misconduct’. If we did, we would obviously have proposed Parliamentary Bills to criminalize them and throw those of us engaging in such (sweet) acts in jail. Adultery may clash with scripture but it is our culture and we own it with our chests. Anyone calling us out for this hypocrisy (or advocating for an end to adultery) will be imprisoned for 3 to 5 years.
- We are no longer ashamed to say that we blame all our country’s problems not on our own apathy, incompetence, and corruption but on homosexuals and queers who have been minding their own business. Why? Because Romans 1.
- In fact, we believe that all State policy should align with the Bible, which is why we are hurrying through draft bills to endorse slavery (Ephesians 6:5-8, Colossians 3:22-24, 1 Timothy 6:1-2; Titus 2:9-10, etc); ban the wearing of clothes cut from more than one kind of material (Leviticus 19:19) and ban the consumption of shito because it contains prawns (Leviticus 9:10). Thereafter, anyone caught engaging in the eating of shito (or advocating for the eating of shito) will be imprisoned for 3 to 5 years.
- We are proposing that Ghana’s name be changed to ‘the Christian Fundamentalist Republic of Ghana’. We know that there are non-Christians here, but – as the majority – we have only been pretending to tolerate them because of extra holidays, occasional feasts, and because their agendas ever-so-occasionally agree with ours. Yes: we recognize that not all Ghanaian Christians share in our bigotry but – if we are speaking with our full chest (which we are) – they are obviously not real Christians and we will eventually get around to dealing with them too. Just give us time. Bottom line: we are the majority and God forbid that our constitution protect the rights of people who disagree with us.
- We are informing all our Muslim brethren that we have observed with worry the way your religion has conquered all the lands mentioned in New Testament chapter names (Galatia, Ephesus, Corinth, etc) and we have joined the (US fundamentalist Christian-funded) movement to ensure that you take no more. Disregarding the fact when Islam was the majority religion on this continent (all the way up to the 1970s), it allowed Christians and traditionalists to practice their religion in peace and without persecution, we are terrified of you and are embracing with our full chest the West’s longstanding fear of Islam that dates back to their crusades. Because Boko Haram. Note how we have already started insisting that any of your children attending our Christian-founded schools must go to chapel with other students on Sundays, even though this was not the case as recently as the 1990s. But if you dare tell us that we discriminate against you in any way, we will come for you with our full chest. Anyone calling us out for this will be imprisoned for 3 to 5 years.
- We are also freeing ourselves from praising Nkrumah and any of the founding fathers and mothers. They were godless idiots who had the choice to make Ghana a Christian state but who actually thought about it carefully and chose to make this country a secular one. Can you imagine? Henceforth, we denounce them as the radical leftists we have been too cowardly to openly call them. We also admit with our newfound chest that we don’t know what secular means anyway or why Ghana is defined by its constitution as being a secular state. There is nothing wrong with our ignorance. Or any ignorance as a matter of fact.
- To that end, we are also removing ‘Freedom and Justice’ as the national motto. We are no longer ashamed to admit that – when we actually remember that it exists – we have no idea what it means.
- We declare with the most fullest of all our chests that even if you present us with all the evidence that exists that our ancestors were more socially advanced and imaginative than their colonizers on matters of gender and sexuality, we do not care. The simple fact of the matter is that white people taught us that our ancestral ways were backwards and so that is that. We only agree with the traditionalists and chiefs of today because… ‘gayism’. But note that this truce will remain only long as they remain in their backward lanes. Let us not hear word about libation at national ceremonies again. Or swearing officials in with eggs and curses like JJ blasphemously suggested.
- We are no longer ashamed to admit that we see no irony whatsoever with criticizing the importation of foreign culture while worshipping the foreign god of a foreign religion in foreign languages while wearing foreign manufactured underwear and accepting foreign funding (shoutouts to the likes of the World Congress of Families without whose ideological support this Bill would probably not have been possible). If you knew how good foreign manufactured underwear (and the culture that produces it) feels on the skin, on the soul and on the wallet, you might feel the same way. Again, anyone calling us out for our hypocrisy will be imprisoned for 3 to 5 years.
- We are no longer ashamed to admit that our obsession with homosexuality (out of aaaaaall the plenty-plenty so-called sins in scripture) is directly imported from (and funded by) specific Americans who have allowed their politics to boil the entirety of their Christianity down to positions on abortion, gender, and ‘gayism’. Instead of things like the Golden Rule. Honestly, how can a rule be golden anyway? Do rules have colours?
- Speaking with our full chest on other matters, we would also like to make it officially known that we do not give a single damn about Black Lives Mattering beyond its ability to bring people here to spend money and rent out the apartments that we have built that no one here can afford to live in except we who built them.
- We are also putting Jack on random notice that if Twitter shows any support for Ghanaian LGBT+ rights the way he did for #EndSars in Nigeria, we will ban Twitter here too and show them who we really are behind our shiny PR machine.
- Something something HUMAN RIGHTS PRESIDENT THAT’S CUTE
We, the Intolerant